Virtually Paul

Question Marks

April 26, 2008 on 1:16 pm | In Thoughts |

I have question marks everywhere at the moment and I’m not entirely sure what to do with them. The only resolution I’ve been able to come to, is that the question marks have been there all along. It’s so easy to construct a sense of safety from things that you tell yourself will never change. Yet here I am, living on the opposite side of the city to everything that’s familiar to me, working in a field that I never thought I’d work in. It’s hard sometimes. I miss the familiarity of a lifestyle where predetermined actions produced predictable results. I miss being part of a wider social network where I have a deep history of interconnectedness with the others around me. Unquestionably, I have a few runs on the board over here but it’s not the same.

Part of that is just the reality of relocating, making new connections. I’m cool with that. Things will start to feel a bit more consistent with time. I have consolidated some good friendships here, so this isn’t an exercise in comparing the old to the new.

The difference is that a long time ago, I had an unwavering, somewhat innocent ability to trust that everything was OK and to not be threatened by looming question marks because I thought I had a bunch of full-stops around me - things that were definite and resolute, holding me in place.

I’m starting to entertain the idea that full-stops are the things we use to make ourselves feel safe from the question marks. It’s not until one of our non-negotiable assumptions is disrupted by circumstance that we start to wonder if we really do have all of the answers that we need. I think some people probably spend their whole lives defending their full-stops because this feels much, much safer than being confronted by things that they can neither reconcile nor control. I think this is what it means to be religious.

Of course, it’s extremely trendy to be relativistic and not commit verbally to believing anything. I think that’s probably a cop-out though because on the surface you’re making sure that no one ever has a chance to tell you that you’re wrong… but you’re still being just as defensive about the question marks as the people who try to fight them by being dogmatic. I don’t think anyone is prepared to give up all of their full-stops. I don’t think I am. I’m not sure where this leaves me.

This post is way too introspective but I hope you like the picture - I made it myself.