Future Amore

Carris got me thinking...

The future - it's such a frustrating proposition.  Somewhere along the line, people around me have suggested that it is important to plan for the future - it's important to make the right moves so that you can find yourself a good job, earn a little bit more money than you really need and live a comfortable life.  The annoying thing is that I think I've started to believe it.  I want to have a good job so that I can have a nice house and a nice car and go on nice holidays to nice places.

Of course, I'd also very much like to think that my productive time was going towards something that was making a difference in the world.  I like my current job immensely for that reason.  I might just be tinkering with computers... but those computers allow some very professional people, who I happen to like a lot, to avail their skills at a discounted rate to a number of not-for-profit, church and parachurch organisations.  However, that role is a part-time gig and not on a scale where I'd see myself still being there in 5 years time.

I continue to spend a fair bit of my time sitting back and thinking about future directions.  I'm sitting on a Business degree that I'm not really using, in the sense that it's not a prerequisite for anything I'm doing.

It begs the question of "now what?"  I'm sick of full time study.  Circumstances have thrown me around and I've felt myself go into 'maintenance mode'.  Just one more assessment.  Just one more semester.  Keep up with playing in youth services.  Rock up to work and keep the ball rolling.  Keep making sure I show my face at church on Sunday mornings.  Keep going to small group because if I don't, I'll get a stupid comment from someone the week after.  That's not to diminish the value of any one of those things.  I have gained a lot from them all in different ways, no question... but keeping up appearances just for the sake of it, doesn't really do any good if I'm already struggling.

Like I said a couple of posts ago, I like having things moving forward with a clear purpose and direction.  Unfortunately, I'm not seeing a great deal of that all-encompassing, overall direction any more.  I remember being at the "which uni course will I do?" stage.  I've gotta say, it was much easier then because I at least knew that I was going to uni!  These days I just have no idea.

That whole concept of "life is where you are" seriously continues to challenge me.  I'm starting to realise that all of the people in my life who have had the most profound impact on me, probably all had lower annual salaries than what I'd expect to be earning by the time I'm 25 if I went down the "full time career" road.

Rather than musing about the endless possibilities of the future, it is far easier to contemplate the more tangible realities of the present.  It's also much more confronting.  See, when you gaze into the great chasm that is the future, you can't spend too much time trying to deal with it because there's nothing to grasp and make a concrete decision about.  It's somewhat like the chasm between Travis's ears.  The present, on the other hand, is the polar opposite.  Perhaps if I was to invest some serious time into developing my own character - things I can actually consciously change - facing fears, abrasiveness, negativity, and other compromises between what I say and what I do.

It's a lot less effort to think about the intangible prospects for my 'next step', the next phase that will offer some clear goals and ladders to climb, than it is to have a good, long look in the mirror.

As water reflects a face,
       so a man's heart reflects the man.  Proverbs 27:19