Let's Talk About Sex
A Question on Sex Before Marriage
(if you find this Matt, I'm a fan!)
The youth congregation at my church is dealing with some of these issues at the moment from the pulpit. (I'm one of the [unmarried] leaders/speakers under a part time youth pastor). We've recently had a visit from Adrian Rowse who shared some of his testimony with us on sex stuff. I'm supposedly continuing on the subject of 'Relationships' when I speak in a fortnight.
I'm really grapling with, wondering, how to tackle some of these issues with a broad audience of young people at different places. On one hand, I want to paint the picture of sexual intimacy as something to be shared in the marriage covenant. A gift for your "one and only". My personal conviction regarding sex is that it's most certainly something I want to save - to be able to look into the eyes of my bride on our wedding day and promise our lives to each other knowing that this gift will be one of many things that makes that relationship unparalleled from all others. I don't want sex without the promise of forever.
The difficulty I find with preparing some sort of sermonish presentation for a group of young people is mostly that I don't know how to gear it for them all. We have a broad range, as all churches do. The church kids like me who have grown up in Christian families. Some are still making their choices in life based on what mummy and daddy think is a good idea. Some genuinely own similar convictions to my own. Some act as though they own them but I know that they don't. There's also the high schoolers who tend to float in and out of church and youth group. They don't have a family link with the church - they have friendships with people.
On one hand, I'm trying to work out a way of presenting my own thoughts on the matter. On the other, I also want to address the group of people who come to our youth service week after week, knowing (or perhaps not knowing) that the Bible is clear: Sex is for marriage, but they're doing it anyway. I want those guys to realise that their creator wants a relationship with them as well. I think a church culture where we encourage them to pretend that they're not doing it, only makes them see the christian subculture as a group of head-in-the-sand phonies. What incentive does anyone have to take issues of faith seriously in a place that tries to get them to suppress an issue that they probably really need to revisit (if they plan on calling themselves a christian)?
The central message of the gospel is forgiveness of sin. The whole point of Jesus dying on a cross was to be able to bridge that gap of people doing what the bible defines as wrong, so that they can still have a relationship with their perfect God.
Maybe that means that the people who have the real problem is the "christians"? The church-dwelling perfection-pretending types (which I myself have been at times) who, inside the church bubble actually get respected for acting as though they don't ever have one-track-mind moments. Maybe the reason we seem to act that way is because deep down we're all the same? On some level, the idea that people who have had the same church upbringing as me having sex out of marriage annoys me. Why? I'm not entirely sure.
I'm committed to the ideal but it's theoretically just as hard for me to live it out as it is for anyone else. I think the churchy response, far too often, is to gossip behind people's backs about who's doing it with who, to tell people directly, unlovingly and unsensitively that having sex before marriage is wrong for Christians and they need to stop. We tell ourselves that this is "speaking the truth in love" but I think that far too often it's actually quite the opposite. I think it's the response of a person who finds it challenging to live up to the ideals to which they have committed. I think it's a response to a media culture that tells us that sex is good, we should be having lots of it now and we're missing out. At it's selfish, horrible core, I think it can be an attempt by christians to be exclusive. An attempt to be part of a club that separates "christians who don't have sex" from " 'sinners' who do". In truth, we're all sinners and that attitude creates a church culture that looks down on people, segregating them in a completely unbiblical and self-righteous way. Worst of all, it seems to be working.
So that's my dilemma. Communicating grace to those who need it. Encouraging those who have deep convictions to continue to be true to them. Encouraging those who have no convictions to choose some and choose wisely, without them turning the idea of God's forgiveness into a way of doing what the OC is telling them on Friday nights and being a forgiven christian by Sunday.
(if you find this Matt, I'm a fan!)
The youth congregation at my church is dealing with some of these issues at the moment from the pulpit. (I'm one of the [unmarried] leaders/speakers under a part time youth pastor). We've recently had a visit from Adrian Rowse who shared some of his testimony with us on sex stuff. I'm supposedly continuing on the subject of 'Relationships' when I speak in a fortnight.
I'm really grapling with, wondering, how to tackle some of these issues with a broad audience of young people at different places. On one hand, I want to paint the picture of sexual intimacy as something to be shared in the marriage covenant. A gift for your "one and only". My personal conviction regarding sex is that it's most certainly something I want to save - to be able to look into the eyes of my bride on our wedding day and promise our lives to each other knowing that this gift will be one of many things that makes that relationship unparalleled from all others. I don't want sex without the promise of forever.
The difficulty I find with preparing some sort of sermonish presentation for a group of young people is mostly that I don't know how to gear it for them all. We have a broad range, as all churches do. The church kids like me who have grown up in Christian families. Some are still making their choices in life based on what mummy and daddy think is a good idea. Some genuinely own similar convictions to my own. Some act as though they own them but I know that they don't. There's also the high schoolers who tend to float in and out of church and youth group. They don't have a family link with the church - they have friendships with people.
On one hand, I'm trying to work out a way of presenting my own thoughts on the matter. On the other, I also want to address the group of people who come to our youth service week after week, knowing (or perhaps not knowing) that the Bible is clear: Sex is for marriage, but they're doing it anyway. I want those guys to realise that their creator wants a relationship with them as well. I think a church culture where we encourage them to pretend that they're not doing it, only makes them see the christian subculture as a group of head-in-the-sand phonies. What incentive does anyone have to take issues of faith seriously in a place that tries to get them to suppress an issue that they probably really need to revisit (if they plan on calling themselves a christian)?
The central message of the gospel is forgiveness of sin. The whole point of Jesus dying on a cross was to be able to bridge that gap of people doing what the bible defines as wrong, so that they can still have a relationship with their perfect God.
Maybe that means that the people who have the real problem is the "christians"? The church-dwelling perfection-pretending types (which I myself have been at times) who, inside the church bubble actually get respected for acting as though they don't ever have one-track-mind moments. Maybe the reason we seem to act that way is because deep down we're all the same? On some level, the idea that people who have had the same church upbringing as me having sex out of marriage annoys me. Why? I'm not entirely sure.
I'm committed to the ideal but it's theoretically just as hard for me to live it out as it is for anyone else. I think the churchy response, far too often, is to gossip behind people's backs about who's doing it with who, to tell people directly, unlovingly and unsensitively that having sex before marriage is wrong for Christians and they need to stop. We tell ourselves that this is "speaking the truth in love" but I think that far too often it's actually quite the opposite. I think it's the response of a person who finds it challenging to live up to the ideals to which they have committed. I think it's a response to a media culture that tells us that sex is good, we should be having lots of it now and we're missing out. At it's selfish, horrible core, I think it can be an attempt by christians to be exclusive. An attempt to be part of a club that separates "christians who don't have sex" from " 'sinners' who do". In truth, we're all sinners and that attitude creates a church culture that looks down on people, segregating them in a completely unbiblical and self-righteous way. Worst of all, it seems to be working.
So that's my dilemma. Communicating grace to those who need it. Encouraging those who have deep convictions to continue to be true to them. Encouraging those who have no convictions to choose some and choose wisely, without them turning the idea of God's forgiveness into a way of doing what the OC is telling them on Friday nights and being a forgiven christian by Sunday.
4 Comments:
Found it!
You've landed a tough assignment, but not one to ignore. Our sexual relationships are as much a part of discipleship as any other.
I'm doig a similar series this year, but will focus more on'love' than 'sex'. I read a quote by Steve biddulph last year that said "What we need is more love-education, not more sex-education". I thought that was pretty spot on.
So rather than talk about what we shoudn't be doing, I'll be talking about what we SHOULD be doing when it comes to loving others. I'd love it if our young people were recognised as 'lovers' in the best sense of the word.
I'll be looking at how guys express love, how girls express love, how love can be expressed between friends, couples and so on. Plus we'll spend some time discussing how we love when the burden of past sexual sin weighs us down. It will all be framed in a devotional series on Song of Songs.
I'll blog about it as we go, but it doesn't start until April some time. Hope this little bit sparks a few ideas for you.
Happy to be a sounding board for ideas if you want to - www.mattglover.com
My comment wound it's way into it's own post: http://allsaidanddone.blogspot.com/2006/03/why-relationship-finds-reason-and.html
so you'll have to go and read it there instead.
My darling Paul, I think what you wrote is excatly how you should speak to them. Its raw honesty that they need to hear, not someone "preaching" to them how they should behave. As teenager we know what they are going through. we remember how confusing it was. (and still is.) And they would probably appreicate hearing that they are not the only one confused.
I have more to say on this, but I need to get my thoughts in order first. I think I'll post about it too no doubt.
Paul,
So sorry mate to be responding so LATE to your quandry! You caught me in a manic patch of moving house, getting the flu, and speaking interstate and so on!
Perhaps instead of responding I should ask, 'How'd it go?'.
Feel free to give me a buzz and chat on it sometime (especially if you've got some more speaking to do on this topic!).
We're hoping that the porn resource dvd that we're working on is going to help answer some of the questions you've been grappling with! We have grappled with alot of this stuff in writing the material and have come to the conclusion that we need to make the major focus of the discussion be relationship with God (and others) as opposed to making the primary focus, 'don't look at porn, don't have sex, avoid it', etc! Yeah, we still are talking about and giving some practical strategy as to how Christian young people should steer clear of porn/sex outside of marriage etc, but doing so within the context of the wider theme of relationship with God and others instead of simply 'Don't because the bible says so' or 'Don't because that's what a good Christian is supposed to do'.
Anyway, hang out a couple more months and we'll be able to put a resource in your hands that'll hopefully help provide some good info and methods of communication on these topics!
Again sorry this is too little too late!
BLess ya mate
Age
PS Good on you for having a crack and for wrestling with this stuff!
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